Weather Boosts Sales of Bread and Milk

Got colder.  Some places folks were warned it might snow.  In some regions of the country, it snowed a lot.  But here in the deep South, the few places that saw any snow at all was a scarce dusting that a mouse could walk through without boots.

Not saying it didn’t get a bit frigid.  It did.  The other morning, I saw two dawgs out in the front yard with jumper cables trying to get a rabbit started so they’d have sump’m to chase.  Today, it never got above freezing.  In fact, if the thermometer dropped any more degrees, I reckon I’d have to turn in my diploma.

When it gets like this, Somebody on the television makes comment about it and throws out the possibility that any precipitation that might occur could form ice crystals–in other words, snow.  Then, folks panic.  They rush to the store to buy milk, and bread, and little else if anything at all.  Did see a few folks buying candles and flashlight batteries.  But that makes sense, so it isn’t a widespread custom.

Under such circumstances, stores have trouble keeping milk and bread in stock, which is a happy time for the bread and milk venders.  On the other hand, the BBQ sauce salesman can take the rest of the week off.

I asked a man rushing into a grocers what he was in such a hurry to buy.  He said bread and milk.  When I asked why, he looked at me as if I was an idiot, and blurted out:

“Haven’t you been listening to the news?  It could snow!”

I didn’t bother him to suggest he might get some eggs, and maybe a bag of potato chips.  Chances are those suggestions could’ve overwhelmed the man.  After all, anybody over the age of five knows quite well the rules say you’re supposed to buy milk and bread if there’s any chance of snow flurries.  I guess if there is a threat of a volcano, you’re supposed to buy marshmallows?  I don’t know.

Everybody buys milk and bread, and none of them show any embarrassment about it.  When you consider the consequences of not stocking up on milk and bread, knowing such irresponsibility will eventually be found out, it’s best to go ahead and gather up all the bread and milk you can pay for.  Over time, even your on mother could find out if you didn’t, and hearing of a negligence of that order could break her heart.  After all, she raised you better’n that, didn’t she?

Nobody ever screams:

“Toilet paper!  Oh, my God, it’s gonna snow, so we’d better stock up on toilet paper!  And Books!  When does the library close?”

Equally true is that there’s no run on bananas, yogurt, canned vegetables, luncheon meats, aluminum foil, or fabric softener during this time, either.  Salt sales perk up, but not enough to effect the stock market.

I’ve studied on this.  Seems when it snows, or even might snow, folks develop a craving for milk sammiches.  So as to be of good service to the community, I offer the following recipe:

*  Get two slices of bread.  Doesn’t matter if you use king thin, whole wheat, rye, or pumpernickel, you’re about to eat a soggy sammich.

*  Scoop out a tablespoon of milk for each slice, and spread it evenly all over the surface of the bread.  If you’re really hungry, use heaping tablespoons of milk, or add an additional slice of bread, and call it a club sammich.

*  For dessert, add a little chocolate to the milk, if you have any.  But if you don’t, let it go.  Don’t go back to the store in this weather, unless you think theres a possibility they could’ve restocked bread and milk since you were there.  In that case you are obliged to go for it.

*  For variety, toast the bread.  It will still be a soggy sammich, but crisper.  Milktoast is not considered a macho food, but you don’t have to tell anybody if you don’t want to.  Your reputation is preserved just by everyone knowing you had sense enough to buy the bread and milk.

Wondering what to drink with your soggy milk sammich?  Well, considering your supply of beverages hoarded away during this emergency, pour yourself a tall glass of milk.  Not only is it all you have, it’s a tradishum.  Best I can tell, during this season that is what is to be expected.

Do not question these things.  Just go to the store, and buy your bread and milk.  If you’re successful and get there before the crowds, go home and feel smug about your accomplishment.  Later, as a reward to yourself and a nice gesture to the rest of the family, fix up a nice plateful of soggy, soaky, drippy, slurpy milk sammiches.  Then look for the signs of gratitude gushing forth from everyone else in the house who realizes if it weren’t for your forethought, they might be reduced to eating steak, potatoes, pretzels, beer, or even pie.

Tater Soup

Ingredients:

*  Taters (called “potatoes” in some regions of the country);

*  Onions (recommended but optional),

*  Water (amount varies, depending on the number of taters you use, and the desired thickness or thinness of the soup),

*  Spices (a variety: see below),

*  Thickening agents such as flour or corn starch may be used if desired, but if you’re using fresh taters, there should be ample starch in them to cook up a pot of glue if you leave it on the stove long enough,

*  Lubricant or grease of some kind (for options, see below),

*  Milk (optional.  Use soy or mammalian.  Milk of Magnesia should be saved to use only after the soup has been eaten).

*  Brandy (wine may be substituted, or even whiskey, but perhaps in lesser quantities.  See disclaimer below**).

**********************

Depending on the number of servings, and depending on the size of the potatoes available, use one potato (two potato, three potato, four…).  If it is for a large party or banquet, use five potato, six potato, seven potato, more (and so on).

Peel the tater(s) (optional), and cut whatever is left over after peeling into bite sized portions.  If the pieces appear to be too large for a soup spoon, plan on using tablespoons or ladles.  Don’t use forks, as you can wear yourself out trying to eat soup with a fork.  But keep a fork handy (see below).

Place the cut-up pieces of tater in a pot large enough to hold them along with an adequate amount of water to cover them.  Use clean water whenever available.  Turn the burner to a setting that will cause the water to heat to a boil.  Otherwise, you’ll be standing there for a long time.

If you’re using onions, peel them and cut them up as you did the taters.  If using wild onions, one should be sufficient for even a very large pot of soup.  They tend to have a strong taste and tend to turn the soup green, so don’t over do it.  However much you use, go ahead and put it in the pot with the taters.

Add thickening agents, but use some discretion unless you need to repair sheetrock or plaster in the kitchen area.  Try not to get it all over your face and clothes, unless you have time to wash up and change before your guests arrive.  You don’t want them to know all your secrets, do you?

Season to taste.  Purely tasteless people shouldn’t bother with this step at all, and it would be especially pointless if your dinner guests are also tasteless people.  Judging from things posted frequently on Bookface every day, such a condition might be more common than some might suspect.  Some cooks like to add parsley, but remember, this is tater soup, not parsley soup.

If you like seeing little oily beads floating in your soup, add oil or some kind of edible cooking lubricant.  But do so sparingly.  Otherwise, the soup will slurp down so quickly you’ll hardly have time to enjoy it.  Some folks like to use butter or margarine, but you can use lard.  Vegetarians should use a vegetable oil.  Bullfighting enthusiasts should use Oil of Olay.  I’m not sure what Presbyterians should use, but whatever it is will have been predetermined.

For a creamy finish, add cream or milk.  The quantity and quality of the milk, if used at all, will be left to the discretion of the chef.  If an intention is to convert the tater soup to a chowder or bisque, you might wish to refer to a chowder or bisque recipe of some kind.  When making bisque, the soup sometimes gets as drunk as the chef, but I’ll leave that up to you.

Pour approximately three ounces of brandy in a separate container such as a glass.  If you’re alone not needing to make a fashion statement, you can forego brandy snifters and use a coffee mug.  This should be a sufficient amount to sip on while your soup comes to its first boil.

You may substitute wine for the brandy, but you should increase the volume by two or three to one if you do.  If the low setting on your stovetop is very low, a second bottle of wine may be necessary.  For those who insist, whiskey can be used instead, but never use any whiskey that you wouldn’t take straight, as it could make your soup crooked.

After the potato pieces and water begin to boil, turn the burner down to a lower setting.  Refill your coffee mug or brandy snifter with a sufficient amount to satisfy your thirst while the soup continues to cook down.

After a reasonable amount of brandy has been consumed, test the tenderness of some of the boiling tater pieces by attempting to jab them with a fork.  It’s a good idea to keep your hand and arm out of the soup during this procedure, especially if you’ve had a recent manicure you don’t wish to ruin.

No matter how done you think the soup is, do not serve until all the guests have had at least as much brandy or wine as the cook.  After you turn off the stove, wait until the bubbling subsides before serving unless the meal is some kind of religious ceremony where you would have all the guests calling out the many names people have used to describe the Deity over the years.

When you’re certain the guests are properly prepared (hints will be that they need to lean on the table in order to stand up, or are making improper suggestions to each other and laughing about it), serve the soup in bowls.

**Disclaimer:  Harrumph!  Whereas and so forth, if the cook and guest have not yet reached the age of adultery, it will be required by law in most states to substitute some non-alcoholic substance in lieu of brandy, wine or whi (hic) skey.

You can use plates, but unless you keep the portions very small, the soup is likely to spill over onto the tablecloth (if you’re using a tablecloth), and even onto the floor.  Nothing else need be served with the soup because by now, your guests shouldn’t even care one way or the other.

If you wish this to be a memorable occasion, have a generous supply of pepper sauce on the table for your guests.  The next morning, each and every one of them will call out your name with a most sincere intensity warranted by the generosity of your adding those spicy condiments to the table the evening before.

You can also use this same recipe for mater soup.  Just substitute maters for taters.  The only variance is the fork.  Jabbing maters to see if they are tender is only necessary when cooking green mater soup, and nobody in their right mind does that.  ‘Sposed to fry green ones anyway, right?

Stinky Cheese On Crackers

Sometimes a wonderfully aromatic cheese will go on sale at a deli or grocery store because it isn’t selling.  It may be an oddball brand, or just a product not called for in your market area.  I found such an item recently.  One of the features of the soft product was the presence of penicillium roqueforti mold as in gorgonzola, stilton, or blue brie cheeses, and wrapped in such a way that your nose could find it long before your eyes could get close enough to read the label.

The expiration dates on the packages were only minutes away, which had contributed to cause the pungency rate to approach a 9.7 on the Richter scale.  In hopes of selling it instead of having to throw it out,  the store had marked it down twice.  Finally, it was selling for about 25% of its original price, thus bringing it into the range of what I call a budget.

I thought to myself:  “I’ll bet this stuff stinks really good,” and I was right.

So, I bought two packages, and went home with the windows of the car rolled down.  When I got home from the store, I let it age in the dairy case of our refrigerator for about 37 minutes.  When I reopened the frig, I noticed that a head of lettuce had wilted, and a bowl of left-over marinara sauce had committed suicide.  I then prepared a small hors d’oeuvres tray with crackers, and put a generous slab of this powerful cheese on each one, and announced:

“Hey!  Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey!  Who wants some stinky cheese on crackers?”

My wife gave me a funny look, and said:

“Stinky cheese?  No, I don’t think so.”

Realizing a bit of the brilliance in my calling it “stinky”, it looked like I’d have all of it to myself.  So for those who didn’t follow the story very well, here’s the recipe you should use in order to minimize how much of it you will have to share:

*  Buy some stinky cheese, and a box of crackers (if you don’t already have a box at home).

*  Put slices of stinky cheese on the crackers.

*  Announce to your guests: “Who’d like some stinky cheese on crackers?”

*  Most people will refuse.  But if they do not do so quickly enough, ask them if they remember ever forgetting to take their sweaty gym clothes home from school to be washed.  Then hold out the tray of appetizers, and say: “Stinky cheese?” This should suffice for arranging that almost all of those delicious crackers with stinky cheese on them will be left just for you.  If you’re really smart, you should also call out to your guests asking:

*  “Hey!  Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey!  Anyone care for a glass of spoiled fruit juice?”

After all, the grapes have to ferment if there’s to be wine, right?  By now, some of your guests will be leaving, and your precious supply of these gourmet delights will be safe, or reasonably so.  I put a small bit of it out to see if the puppies would like it.  Instead of eating it, they just rolled in it.

Earthquakermole

Even though the word “earth” appears in the name, don’t put any dirt in this product, even though it might improve the taste if you did.

Peel, and chop up two or three avocados.  Most cooks recommend you remove the seeds.  They are huge.  You’ll have no trouble identifying them.

Mash the avocados as you would mash potatoes.  You will not need to use any potatoes here except as an example of what you are trying to visualize.

Chop up an onion.  Again, you should peel it, but don’t waste time looking for the seeds.

Chop finely one large, or two small cloves of garlic.  Do not get confused by the word “clove”, as that particular spice will not be needed for this recipe.  But if you accidentally drop in a few cloves, it really won’t make that much difference to any but the more erudite epicureans in your dinner party.

Chop up one huge ripe tomato, or two average ones, skin, seeds, and all.  If using a knife, try not to cut yourself.  But if you must, do so only while chopping the tomato, as you will be sure to get caught otherwise.

Chop up a nice double handful of fresh cilantro.  If you don’t have any, use parsley.  In emergency situations, you can use collards, or turnip greens, but do so sparingly–half a handful will do just fine, but don’t tell the guests.

Chop up approximately one and a half tablespoons of each of the following:

Habanero Chili peppers;

Cayenne peppers,

Jalepeno peppers,

Hungarian Wax peppers,

Tabasco Chili peppers,

Trinidad Scorpion Chili peppers,

Bhut Jolokia Chili peppers,

Satanic Viper Chili peppers.

Do NOT touch these with your bare hands!  I strongly recommend you wear a diver’s suit complete with helmet.  Do NOT breathe any unfiltered air in the room where the chopping takes place.

If you’d like, boil an egg.  But it will not be needed in this recipe.  Some folks just like to boil an egg or two while they’re in the kitchen to use for something else later.

Prepare a pot of oatmeal.  This recipe calls for “Quaker” brand oatmeal simply because the word “quaker” appears in the name.  Some folks prefer groats, or steel cut oats, but please understand there is nothing about this recipe intending to produce a nutritional dish.  This is just a conversation piece for the table, and at best, might bring some life back into that old bag of stale nacho chips hiding in some corner of your pantry.

Mix all ingredients together in a mixing bowl or bucket, depending on which you have available that is clean at the time.  You can use a mixer, or a spoon or a fork for that matter.  I don’t care.

You can even use your hands, but wear protective gloves, because some of the peppers called for in this recipe could dissolve your fingernails, or at least eat the polish off them.  This is not an acceptable substitute for a manicure.

When it is mixed to a consistency of goop, place the earthquakermole in the refrigerator for a couple of hours before serving.  It’s a good idea to put a lid on it so that the aroma doesn’t spread to everything you have in the crisper.

If you or your guests actually eat this stuff, make sure toilets are available, and not too far away.  The effects of ingestion are likely to cause some indigestion, and perhaps more than a little internal violence.  Some have been known to convulse and shake ferociously, hence why the the dish is so named.

This recipe is good for an almost unlimited number of guests, because nobody will ever eat more than a taste of it.  Those that do will emphatically tell others to leave it alone.

Make sure to have a large quantity of inexpensive beverages (water) available, and positioned throughout the entire serving area.  A couple of CO2 fire extinguishers might come in handy.

Your guests may not be able to say “water”, but they will make wild hand gestures pointing at their mouths in such a way to let you know that is what they desperately need.

If they start running towards the sink with their heads down, and their arms flailing wildly behind their torsos, do not get in the way.

There will be leftovers.  There really is no known limit to the number of times you can freeze this stuff, and re-serve it.  Common sense should tell you not to serve it to small children, or to anyone suffering from Tourette Syndrome.

Avoid feeding this to any household pets unless you have pet monitor lizards.  Even so, do not feed it to them in the house.

Yeast Roll Recipe

“When the Roll is Called Up Yonder, I’ll be There”  -James M. Black, 1893

(Note: before attempting this recipe, check the birthdate on your ID to make sure it’s okay for you to proceed.)

* Boil a gallon or three of water (don’t add salt).  At sea level, this occurs at about 212 degrees Fahrenheit.  If you don’t have a thermometer, watch for the little bubbles.  Bring it to a rolling boil (called the boil roll).  I was told the purpose of the original boil is to get the water past your eyes, which makes little sense since I never get in the kettle.  In fact, during the boiling,  I maintain a proper distance as steam tends to fog up my glasses.

* Turn down the heat so that the water remains hot, but isn’t boiling.  At this time, add in your crystal malt and toasted barley grains into the water to steep.  I tend to steep longer than some folks do because I live at the bottom of a hill.

* Mix in about seven to eleven pounds of (barley) malt syrup or other fermentable sugars (depending on how much roll you want for your “yeast rolls”).  Use a ladle–do not try to stir it with your hands, unless you’re absolutely sure they are clean–check under your fingernails for possible contaminants.  If using your hands, make sure you roll up your sleeves.  The temperatures tend to dissuade me from that sort of thing as they approach the boiling point of water, but then, I’m not as tough as some of you might be.

* You can use dry malt extract instead of the syrup, or in addition to it.  I usually use some as an additional kicker.  Be careful.  Whatever that fine powder gets on will become sticky.  If not careful, when finished you might need to go over everything in your prep area with a warm damp cloth, including the ceiling.

* Add a few cups, or several pounds of crystal barley or other specialty grains, depending on flavors, textures, and the color you’re attempting to accomplish.  My personal regular mix is the sans kitchen sink, but others may want lighter hues and body.  I’ve found the time it takes to steep allows me a chance to smoke my pipe.  Lately, I’ve found that if I let it cold steep a couple of days, I’ll have time to smoke my pipe several times.  The grains and how they have been processed will cause some variable factors in color and potency.  If you choose to measure by the cup and not sure which cup to use, use a big one.  An old pair of panty hose will make a good straining bag for the barley (make sure the nylons are reasonably clean before using them in this manner).

* Always take the panty hose off before using them, as the loose grains could otherwise stick to your skin after steeping in hot water.  It could also create a space problem unless you are brewing in a bathtub.  Besides getting all gooey and sticky, you may find very hot water to be less than comfortable for any extended period.  I hope repeating this caution will not be necessary.

* Add bittering hops early, and finishing hops later.  I use different hops at three different times in the process, but if you wish, you can use the same hops for all stages.  There is a reason for this, but I don’t know what it is.  Panty hose can also be used for the hops as well as the barley just like a tea bag, or you can buy a commercial hop sack.  Use the part of the hose normally worn on the feet and calves instead of the hip and waist sections, unless you intend to use a lot of hops.  If your spouse see’s you doing this, expect them to roll their eyes.  If the ones you are using would not fit her, she may ask you to explain where you got them.  Do NOT over look this, as it could have consequences.

* Other adjunct fermentables such as brown sugar, sorghum, and honey may be added if you desire, or you can use extra malt kicker.  The use of rice, corn, or wheat is allowable although it is an offense to stricter old German standards that call for just barley, water, and hops.  Oatmeal is not recommended at all, whether flakes or steel rolled, due to the tendency to turn your yeast roll into a paste.  But you can use some rye if you like.

* Bring the wort to a boil stirring constantly so it doesn’t burn. I like a yeast roll with full body and flavor, so I recommend at least a pound to a pound and a half to two pounds of fermentable sugars per gallon of finished product.  The yeast you will roll later into your mix should help nicely to convert these sugars to ethanol.  I do hope the benefit of that effect does not escape you.

* After the wort has boiled, let it cool–the quicker the better.  Then, pour it into a fermenting vat and adding as much room temperature water as needed to bring the volume up to the amount of “yeast roll” you expect it to yield.  I usually do about twenty-three liters (approximately six gallons) at a time.  That way, I won’t have to cook every day.

* Once cooled to below 70 degrees F (so as not to kill or offend the yeast), it will be time to roll in the yeast.  I use one of several kinds of ale yeasts, but that is how I roll.  Before rolling it into the wort, roll it around a bit in the package so it will be a loose powder instead of a clump.  Open the bag or envelope of yeast, And with your fingers, roll the contents out so it spreads over the top of the liquid in the vat.  I call this procedure the “yeast roll”, and it should be done gently.  Some brewers use liquid live cultures, and others rehydrate dry yeasts before adding.  I’ve had no bad experiences with just rolling it on the surface in powder form.

* Try not to splash it on any clothing that requires dry cleaning.  Some say “pour”, sprinkle, or “toss”, but I like to say “roll”.  Otherwise, this would be a recipe for “yeast pour“, “yeast sprinkle”, or “yeast toss”.

* If you wish to know the efficiency rates of the work your yeast is doing, use a hydrometer to determine the specific gravity of both potential and final essence levels–some folks use the acronym ABV to describe the essence contained.  With those levels noted, some simple arithmetic will help you identify potency.  If you intend to bypass this step, always hide your car keys from yourself before indulging in the finished product.

* Expect a lot of carbon dioxide to be given off as a byproduct.  Make sure you have a vent for this, otherwise your vat is liable to explode splattering your yeast rolls all over the ceiling and walls.  The vent should be a kind of water valve so contaminants from the air don’t get back into the vat.  There are wild yeasts and other fungal spores in the air that could render your yeast rolls a bit funky.  I usually use a very large airlock (hose running into a gallon jug of water) for the first few days, as commercially available airlocks are often too small to handle the way my yeast rolls roll and rock.

* A sample of the finished product may also be called a “yeast roll“, or “barley pop“, and a friend of mine calls them “chicken sodas” to confuse the children, and keep them from wanting any before dinner.

* In about five to ten days, siphon the liquid off the sediment of dead (or dormant) yeasts that have settled to the bottom of the vat.  Some folks bottle at this time, but I like to transfer it to a secondary settling vessel for another five to ten days.   When bottling, I like to use sanitary or reasonably clean bottles.  Dirty ones can cause an infection to your brew, so it’s usually not a good idea to just let the dawgs lick ’em clean.  Then, roll with it.

* There are still some live yeast cells in the brew, which is a good thing.  If you add a few ounces of simple sugar to your mix at bottling time (one to one and a quarter ounces per gallon), the product will naturally carbonate itself in the bottles while conditioning.  If you put too much priming sugar in the mix, your bottles could explode requiring that you to deal with the mess, the extent of which will depend on what else was in the room at the time that now needs to be cleaned, replaced, or just painted.

* Allow at least two or three weeks for conditioning in a cool dark place after bottling.  Four or five weeks can be better.  Unless you have an ample supply of older product ready to drink, conditioning time requires you must get control of the inability to postpone gratification.

* After proper conditioning time, move your yeast rolls to a refrigerator.  The time spent taking it to refrigeration and retrieving it later needs to be calculated into your cost of transportation.  This allows some of the carbon dioxide to dissolve better so your rolls won’t go flat too quickly.  There is a commercially available ale called “Fat Tire”, which is nice, but “Flat Tire” is not a good idea.

* Some folks collect the sediment to keep an ongoing live yeast culture.  But you should not attempt this unless you know what you’re doing.  For that matter, most things in life would do better if folks understood what they were doing, but we’ll not attempt to cover all of that right now.  If you intend to dispose of the trub in the bottom of brew vats, you can roll the yeast sediment into either a compost heap, or a commode.  If you keep hogs, you can add it to their feed, but don’t ever feed it to the cat.

* I’m probably enjoying a yeast roll right now while you read this.  I’ve found it’s good for whatever ale‘s you.

No biscuits were harmed during the creation of this recipe.

Pan Crud

The residue formed by frying or cooking just about anything builds up in the pan or skillet after awhile.  The longer you wait between pan scrapings or cleanings, the thicker it gets.  It is best described as “crud”.  It varies from crusty to viscous, but is at its finest when it is a little of both.

There is a lot to be said for the pleasures associated with finding a skillet that has been sitting on a stovetop for several days, and no hint as to what was the last thing cooked in it.  Well seasoned pan crud is a build up of oils used for frying many different items such as: bacon, hamburgers, chicken, fish, potatoes, ‘possum, squirrel, squash, green tomatoes, okra, and (when the budget allows for extravagance) potted meat.

Over time, these add tremendous flavor and texture to the crud.  Also, by not cleaning the skillet out between frying episodes, you don’t have to add as much new lard each time.  This will save money which you will need to pay the deductibles on your medical insurance (it is a good idea to make sure all life insurance premiums are current before using pan crud for anything).

Color varies, usually from dark brown to black, but some excellent pan cruds will be gray with white spots.  This is okay, and normally just indicates a higher fat content (which makes it taste gooder) unless the white spots are fuzzy.  If the pan crud appears to be growing a beard, or taking on shades of green, you might want to place it in an oven for a period of time, and at a temperature that might render it sterile.  Be careful here, because the amount of time, and temperatures required, based on what modern science has learned in the past few years, could melt your stove, or at least stink the place up a bit.

Pan crud should be collected in a bucket, and kept handy.  I am tearful when I think of how often folks discard this wonderful byproduct due to insufficient education.  There are almost unlimited uses for pan crud.  Every kitchen and workshop should keep ample supplies on hand.

Besides polishing silver, stainless steel ware and cuttlery, it’s great for keeping the worm of your shop vice lubricated, and is a good rust inhibitor for tools.  It only takes a dab to make hubcaps shine like a diamond in the south end of a north-bound duck, and is perfect for dipping chisels and drill bits being re-tempered after sharpening too fast.  Be cautious of flames while doing this unless you intend to burn down your shop.  By adding a little pumice or sand, pan crud serves as an excellent waterless hand cleaner.  Just make sure you use plenty of soap and water afterwards.

Pan crud, though often used as a topping for entrees, casseroles, and desserts, can also serve as a main course all by itself, but only if you’re absolutely starving.  Some folks use it as a salad dressing, but I’ve found it makes lettuce too slippery to stay on the fork.  One of the more interesting glazes for baked foods is pan crud mixed with a little fruit juice (or old crayons) for added color.

Substituting with pan crud sure comes in handy between paydays when going back to the grocery store is not economic.  It has been used as a replacement for gelatin, mayonnaise, butter, and even ice cream.  You can also add a spoonful or so to grits or oatmeal as a way to stretch things out when you have company.  If you are equipped with a cast-iron stomach, no homemade soup or stew is complete without it.  It’s perfect for adding the magic touch to a pot of chili, and nothing is better for removing water spots from wine glasses.

When the menu calls for appetizers, pan crud by itself can be used as a dip for chips and crackers, and can be served hot or cold.  Because it is so easy to spread, you can use it as a filling for celery sticks, and pitted olives.

Use it as a shaving cream when it’s not quite time for a new blade, and pan crud is great for slicking back your hair.  It takes a lot of the drag and pull out of the comb.  It will waterproof your shoes as well as shine them, and is particularly helpful when used that way if you’re trying to teach a dawg to heel.  Those of you with small children may recognize the desirable way pan crud helps to control diaper rash, but always check with your pediatrician in case your child doesn’t have the hide of a rhinoceros.

It can be used as a skin cream for those who have leathery skin, but don’t get carried away.  Afterward, dress with loose-fitting old clothes no longer intended to be worn when receiving guests, or attending public events.  If you intend to wear your good clothes, I’d leave it alone (see warning below about using on skin without first checking with your doctor or funeral director).

Some other (but not all) uses for Pan Crud:

* Bird feed suet–particularly for crows, vultures, and buzzards.  Also, a good coat of pan crud on the bird feeder itself will make it a bit slippery for those sunflower stealing pesky squirrels;

* Transmission fluid additive–increases “slippance” to remind you it’s time for an overhaul;

* Decorative candles–blending pan crud with paraffin is a good way to spruce up holiday candles, especially if the holiday is “Halloween”;

* Head Lice repellent–coat the hair and scalp thickly so as to cause the lice to slide ride off onto the floor.  Sleep standing up, or use disposable pillowcases.

* Gasoline additive–makes your car smoke like it has an old diesel engine;

*Diesel fuel additive–makes you think: “tastes like chicken” every time you crank it up, but it tends to clog injectors;

* Fly paper–flies may not stick to it, but you’ll be able to track them easier;

*Radiator coolant–keeps water pump lubricated (note: crud that is primarily from fish fryers is not recommended);

* Ski and surfboard lubricant (the bottoms only-never put it on the tops);

* Makeup base–stretches your cosmetic budget.  Adds flavor to lipstick, and makes nail polish shine (some cruds can also be used as nail polish remover, and even nail remover).  Some football players use it to put those dark, light absorbing streaks under their eyes, but never over the eyes: sweat can cause it to run, and blur your vision;

* Furniture Scratch Remover–hides ugly scratches on coffee tables and other fine wood chewed on by dawgs and chilluns.  But don’t cake it on too thickly, ’cause it’ll stink up the room;

* Flea Repellent–Put a dab on the bottom of the flea’s feet, and watch him repel quickly down whatever he tries to stand on;

* Massage therapy–A great way to spend the day at the spa, but smell like you’ve spent it slaving over a hot stove.  It is a deception, but your spouse should be used to that by now;

* Windshield cleaner–softens caked-on love bugs, but may inhibit visibility.  Parked cars only-never use while driving;

* Humidifier oil–Makes every room in your house smell like “supper is ready”;

*Corrosion retardant–for battery terminals, and other electronic connections.  Caution: some pan cruds are highly flammable, and should not be used where there is a chance of electric spark.  Also, it may attract mice and other rodents and encourage them to chew insulation;

Pan Crud is NOT recommended to be used as (not to be presumed to be a complete list):

* Carburetor cleaner–could attract fire ants, and has also been attributed to significant carbon buildup;

* Antibiotic ointment–but it can be used as an anti-antibiotic whenever germs are desirable.  Because of this, intimate or personal hygiene uses are also discouraged;

* Under arm deodorant–especially if you intend to wear clothes later.  Crud stains are most difficult to remove from linens;

* Eye drops–can lead to eye infections, and even total blindness especially if it’s still very hot when applied;

* Coffee creamer–unless you intend to use the coffee for catfish bait;

*Any laundry application–unless you want spots and stains to grow larger rather than smaller;

* Resurfacing or cleaning driveways, sidewalks, or any other pavement–unless you intend to use it as a traction inhibitor, then it works fine.

* Lubricant or cleaner for motorcycle saddles and tires–anybody who wouldn’t understand this should never get within three feet of a motorcycle (see “traction inhibitor” in above comment);

* Sunscreen–remember, pan crud is a “cooking” oil base, so it will have an SPF factor of zero.

* Perfume–well, unless your intent is to attract ‘possums.

* Using pan crud to lubricate footballs is a bad idea.  I think it’s okay to put it on face guards, because you ain’t supposed to touch those, anyway.

* Sniffing pan crud is an abomination.  Well, a quick whiff to make sure it ain’t too fishy maybe, but don’t inhale!

* Although rubbing your feet with pan crud might make it easier to put your socks on, it could cause the tops of the socks to sag, thus allowing your ankles to get sunburned;

Warning: if you are allergic to botulism or other kinds of food poisoning, you might want to check with your physician (or the owner of a nearby funeral home) before taking pan crud internally, or before applying it to skin, hair, open wounds, or exposed bone.  Some folks are just not as tough as others, and the best thing to do is to go ahead and admit it.  But if it is your custom to eat at the same table with coyotes, cockroaches, jackals, wharf-rats, crows, hyenas, vultures, maggots, and buzzards, I wouldn’t worry about it at all.  In fact, if that is the case, I would encourage you to consider a career in politics.

Tequila Martinis

Sometimes a local Mexican or Tex-Mex restaurant has a special on Margaritas, and sometimes they don’t.  On some alternate nights, certain beers may be featured at nostalgic prices, but I’ve found that the impulse decision to go out to eat has no direct correlation to these specials, as they are never in vogue when I show up, anyway.

Last night, the only beverage special was for martinis, but I was in no mood for gin, or vodka.  So just for the sake of conversation, I asked  the server what kind of martinis they were offering, and she said:

“Any kind you want!  All martinis are half off tonight!”

Bingo!  Sometimes you have to think outside the menu.  I told her I’d have a tequila martini.  I had to say it twice.  She looked kind of surprised, and asked:

” A what?  A tequila martini?  

“Thassrite, tequila,” I responded trying not to giggle.

What kind?” she asked.

I said:  “Dry”

Well cool beans if they didn’t bring me a double shot of Patrone in a martini glass, and rimmed it with salt!

The young lady serving our table said the bartender claimed it was the first one in history, but I assured her that as long as there have been drinkers with an “any port in a storm” attitude, there is just no telling what concoctions have been invented that nobody wanted to brag about.

Was there a splash of vermouth in it? I don’t know, but I like wine, so it didn’t matter.  By the way, it helps if you’d had a snifter of cognac before you go out for such fare as this.  Just know that in such circumstances, be prepared for your wife to point out that you are talking way too loudly, and that the people on the other side of the room would appreciate you calming down a bit.  Woof!

“Ditch Chicken”

I preface this fine recipe with a few words to my vegetarian friends: Shame on you! Vegetables are far too easy prey to be considered fair game.  A tomato, a squash or a turnip has no hope of a chance in the hunt–no advantage at all.  They cannot hide; run, jump or fly away.

As far as we can tell, they cannot see or hear you coming, and other than zucchini and cucumbers, most of them have no effective camouflage to speak of.  Blackberries will put up a fight, but peaches and pears wimp out unless their pet bees and yellow jackets are on duty.  I’ve wrestled a few watermelons in my time, but that is no comparison with wrestling alligators.

But defenseless fruits and veggies are harvested daily by the tons and without any proper ceremony such as dawgs howlin’ and good ol’ boys yellin’ “YEE HAH!”.  Nope, just somebody listening to the radio while driving a tractor down on a field of helpless beans.   It’s disrespectful.  It is insensitive, cruel, and unsportsmanlike to hunt them like that.  Why, it’s no better than hunting with just a driver’s license!

It is also snobbish and biggoted: just because cabbage doesn’t have a face or wag its tail, it is assumed it has no soul!  How self-centerd and uncivilized we have become!  Once these poor vegetables are brutalized in such fashion of the harvest, they are eventually degraded further by being placed right smack dab in reach of people and other hungry animals who…eat them!

The very minute you bite into them, the doom of their progeny is sealed.  Think of the millions of banana seeds that never survive being subjected to digestive systems!  Pulling a carrot out of the ground will kill it.  I watched a man do that very thing, then he took a bite of the carrot without so much as an apology.  What is this world coming to?

But let’s get serious for a moment.  In all fairness, there are some arguments (albeit not always plausible ones) against eating anything that isn’t mineral or vegetable.  Yet at the same time, many confirmed carnivores are overly critical of vegetarians, too.  Some take a rather “Holier than thou” attitude all the while packing their colons with grease and carcinogens.  It is amazing what humans could know about nutrition, but choose not to.

But whichever camp you are in (I confess to being an omnivore), we must all agree that being killed (whether anybody or anything intends to eat you or not) or having your state of being permanently altered, is disruptive to whatever process you may have been previously locked into.

But hear this: those who intend to be around awhile are going to need to eat sump’m.  Matter-o-fact, I’m munchin’ on a sammich right now (forgimme, ummm!  I know I ain’t s’posed to talk wif my mouf full).  Those of you that are wondering if this recipe is healthy should consider what it’s going to do to the alligator.

Well, I reckon if you’re hungry enough, just about anything tastes good especially if it is disguised to resemble a flavor of sump’m you like.  Sometimes when you’re not so hungry, the hankering to try a new dish might have more to do with how you came by it than what it consists of.

For example, pre-fabricated chicken nuggets might appeal to some folks ’cause it doesn’t look like animal (and it barely is).  If you intend to keep eating that stuff, don’t ever go to a plant that processes it: if it weren’t for the smells, you’d think they were making bubble gum.

Folks that prefer that sort of thing might turn up their noses if they saw you kill the chicken and butcher it before dinner.  Yet the cuisine would be far superior to “chicken fingers”, which of course itself is just an expression.  Literal chicken fingers are in reality as rare as buffalo wings. Now, I mean no offense to the good folks in Buffalo, NY: I know the recipe is named after them, but there are a lot of boneheads down here in Georgia that don’t know that!

Some folks get finicky if dinner is made up of critters shot with upland game field loads, and roadkill is often criticized no matter how fresh it is!  They somehow seem to have arrived at a moral sense of what is proper and improper about who and what gets killed.

Further, they will examine how the killing happened as to whether it was somehow an “acceptable” method, or not.  “Self defense” is seldom given as a reason to hang a side of beef or to shuck an ear of corn.  Self preservation (ours; not the steer’s or corn’s), on the other hand, is.

Most folks these days buy their meat at stores, though I’m sure some steal it.  Either way, it is often skinless and boneless and cut up into geometric patterns that doesn’t look like animal at all.  Saw some pork chops that looked like bars of soap, but I’d bet they don’t lather up as well.

Yep, stuff from the meat department now comes wrapped in plastic and has universal bar codes on the packages to be scanned at the checkout (I started to say “cash register” but young readers might not know what I’m talking about).  Fish don’t have heads and fins; ham doesn’t resemble a pig’s butt, steak ain’t go no feathers anymore, so nobody had to kill anything, did they?  Are you kidding me?  No wonder there is confusion and denial when the closest thing to looking like animal is a head of lettuce.

Some folks who eat meat regularly seem to be offended by, and are opposed to hunting.  The difference is simple: some take a direct and honest approach to killing; others hire paid assassins to kill and butcher the meat for them–the moral results are the same.

Please don’t think I’m jumping to conclusions: I’ve run several of these key points by experts including the chaplain of a wild and notorious motorcycle gang, a garage door technician, three busboys, a bagger at a nearby grocery store, a street corner evangelist, two emergency room patients, and one of the world’s top criminal profilers.  The consensus strongly favors validating my research, in case you’re still skeptical.

I know some folks who never eat red meat, and are self-righteous about it.  They eat chicken.  Since it is rude to eat a chicken without killing it first, there is no virtuous advantage to using a chicken over any other living thing.

Perhaps the only salvation in respect of the mindset that feels a closeness and spiritual kinship to the red muscled species is that chickens are stupid.  I’d say they are much more so than the sources of red meats, and barely smarter than most vegetables.

A chicken is a bird with nasty habits, and they are terrible housekeepers.  Other than turkeys (which may be the only domestic animal dumber than a turnip), chickens are among the least endowed in the domestic intelligence community.  I speak of the barnyard variety, and not the circus trained ones that play pianos for corn, nor the ones trained to beat you at tic-tac-toe at carnival side shows and fairs.  Most of those are beyond their tender years and would be barely fit for soup anyway.

To many folks who love chicken , it is the pinnacle of fine dining.  They praise it highly and recommend it to others.  Some of these folks develop an appreciation of a wider range of foods as long as they believe it tastes like chicken.  Even when the fare is of questionable origin, you can hear them say to the timid:

“C’mon!  Eat it!  It tastes like chicken!”

Tastes like chicken?  I’ll bet you’ve often heard that phrase in reference to squirrel, rabbit, various game birds, and now–gator tail. If you salt it, dip it in batter, and drop it in hot grease, it will taste like America’s favorite food–fried salted fat!

Well, “ditch chicken” don’t taste like chicken–it tastes like alligator, which it is. Fried squirrel tastes a bit more like fried rat than it does chicken. Fried rat might taste like chicken, I don’t know, but squirrel is delicious if you cook it right.  And with that, I might add that some folks confuse the flavors of the meat with the flavors associated with preparations, seasonings and the cooking processes.

In just about every town in the South, you’ll find a cafe, restaurant or diner that has “chicken fried steak” on the menu.  They fry it up exactly as they fry chicken.  They have pork chops cooked the same way.  The steak, the chop, and the chicken all taste like…yep, tastes like fried salted fat, but everybody says: “tastes just like chicken”.

If you cook enough chicken in the grease, pretty soon everything else you put in the fryer will taste a little bit like fried chicken.  Not just the pork chops, but the potatoes, the okra, the squash and even the fried green tomatos will give in to the peer pressure.  I’ve had entire meals where every platter on the table was slap full of fried, salted fat.  It is superdeligorgeous, but does it taste like chicken?  Maybe.

But if your deep fryer is used for a fish fry, anything following the catfish might taste a little like catfish.  You can probably get away with that if you’re fryin’ up some gator tail.

So for those of you still with me here, and intend to fix up some ditch chicken, please consider the following suggestions.  Some of the credit must go to the well-known traveler and veteran explorer named Mickey Foster (originally from Spartanburg like so many of our other national heroes, myself included).  He has a splendid reputation…well, he has a reputation for sure, but that includes chasing down and eating all kinds of things:

*Get yourself an alligator, and cut its tail off.  Better kill it first, or it’ll pitch a hissy fit.  Some people like their gator poached; others come by theirs legally.  But either way, farm-raised or wild, they don’t give up tail easily.

*Make absolutely sure you’re at the tail end.  Even so, don’t even think of doing this to a full grown gator unless you are certain the euthanasia procedure is complete, and has been effective!  If you think it’s playing ‘possum on you, smack it upside the head a few times with…well, with a chicken or sump’m, but not with your hands or feet!  If you resort to that infraction of the safety procedure, you might find yourself at the bottom of a mud hole tucked neatly between a couple of sunken logs.  If you overlook this, the rest of the recipe won’t matter;

*Skin and debone the tail enough to remove the skin and bone-that should be sufficient.  Some of you will want to tan the skin to fashion a hat-band or sump’m and use the bones to make a nice necklace.  But put it aside right now, and wait ’til after supper;

*Trim away the fat. I’m talkin’ about the gator fat here; not suggesting an exercise regimen.  If you consider the diet and table manners of this varmit, you might not want to chow down on any of its fuel reserves: it’ll taste nasty, and could cause gastrointestinal experiences;

*Carve the meat into little bite-sized sections called “chunks”.  You can cut it into thinner pieces called “slivers” if you intend to sauté Franchaise, or Marsalla style.  “Tartare” is only for the brave, or the extremely hungry;

*Season to taste, if you have any.  From the looks of what some folks wear out in public these days, “taste” may have gone out of fashion.  With the exception of the conservatives, the rest of you should apply liberal amounts of salt and pepper;

*Dip the seasoned chunks in a batter, or just roll ’em in flour and/or even cornmeal depending on your personal preferences.  Those of you without any personal preferences should yield to the loud ones that do;

*When the grease is hot, dump these prepared chunks into the deep fat fryer.  Don’t splash!  Hot grease is a wonderful tool, but if managed improperly, it can do damage to other tools.  If you leave the little bite-sized chunks of meat in the grease too long they’ll chew like leather.  It is good exercise, but gets boring after a while.  If you take them out too soon, it won’t have the desired crispness, and it can take you up to a month to swallow.

*Serve it up as an appetizer or main course whenever you feel the chef and the dinner guests have been properly marinated.  If the marinate is of the right mix and the music is loud enough, you may find that the addition of food of any kind may be superfluous, but don’t take this to be a budgetary benefit: the marinate at those levels can cost a fortune.

How To Smoke Pastrami

Pastrami is a cured meat.  Not that it was sick in the first place, but it is “cured” to prevent a sickness–yours!  Nitrites and salts tend to hold down the growth of certain microbes (or demons, depending on your personal set of belief disorders) so as not to make you sick.  Like a lot of other “isms”, botulism should be avoided.

Do not attempt to cure the meat of a live animal.  The live ones are often unwilling to sit in the brine long enough for the cure to take place.  If you’re squeamish, hire an assassin to kill it for you, and make the select cuts.

The pickle or brine should be of the proper formula which is available in books, but not detailed here due to copyright laws.  The best one I’ve seen is in:

Great Sausage Recipes and Meat Curing by Rytek Kutas

http://books.google.com/books?vid=ISBN0025668609

Besides soaking in the brine, the brine should be injected (into the roast–not you!).  The meat should remain in the soak of at least three or four days, but a week or so won’t hurt.  During this time you can soak your tongue in various enjoyable liquids as your budget allows.

Before placing it in the smoker, remove it from the brine, or you’ll end up with a very salty preservative soup with meat in it.  After draining, give it a good rub-down with coarse ground black pepper and coriander spice.  I usually add a touch of paprika, but that is optional.  Then, you should be ready to smoke your pastrami.  Don’t let the dawgs help you with this as they cannot be trusted to let the meat stay in the smoker long enough to do any good.

Do not attempt smoking it in your pipe.  Put it in a smoker instead.  It draws poorly in a pipe, and clogging is likely to occur.  By clogging I am not referring to the folk dance, but to an impasse where no beneficial traffic occurs–kinda like when congressmen try to  act like they agree with each other when they really don’t.

Not only will it clog your fine briar woods and meerschaums, but it will likely clog your windpipes as well.  Smoke it in a smoker, or purchase it already smoked.  Good pastrami sold in most grocery stores is often made from beef top round roast.  I use venison when I can get it.  You can use the back legs of squirrels, but it takes a lot of ’em to make a good sammich, and many folks today are not trained to appreciate it.

Levels of sobriety will vary from cook to cook, but I always have a sip of something before, during and after the rub-down just to keep any dusty spices that could get in my throat cleared away.  It could be my imagination, dust seems to be ubiquitous no matter what I’m doing so I always try to keep a remedy handy.

Do not roll it in rolling papers.  Papers are for a different kind of smoking where the cook is more likely to be pickled than the meat.  Instead, roll the pastrami between slices of a good rye bread with mustard.  Provolone cheese is a nice touch; also tomato and romaine lettuce.  In other words, make a sammich.

Some like to broil their sammich open-faced so the cheese will melt, but others are way too impatient for that.  You can spot those kinds of people in traffic–by the way they drive.  It will become evident that not only are they impatient, but they are obviously planning to have a bad day.  Stay out of their way.  Avoid them, and don’t give ’em any pastrami: give ’em baloney.  In time you will learn to recognize them anywhere as they are always full of stuff–baloney being a significant percentage of it.

The difference between pastrami and a cigar is that you inhale the pastrami after it is smoked.  For those of you that inhale, remember to inhale it into your stomachs rather than your lungs.  It will taste better that way, and cut down on the need for Heimlich maneuvers.

If after inhaling, should you find yourself getting a little too high, carefully get down off the table before you fall and break your silly neck!

Today is Valetime’s Day, And I’m preparing dinner for my Valetime.  As you know and would expect, I’m quite a chef.  I’m going all out tonight–we’re gonna have pastrami sammiches and a nice bottle of Valentime wine.  Woof!

A Preamble to Venison Stew

Following any good recipe for stew, make a stew.  Use venison instead of some other meat.  Properly aged tender cuts are preferable over gristle and bone.

Unless you are a complete idiot or hopeless infidel, make some cornbread to serve with the stew.  People who do not eat cornbread will not go to Heaven.  Do not put sugar in the cornmeal: use buttermilk.

You can purchase the vegetable ingredients for stew at a grocery store.  The mix can vary, but without potatoes, onions, carrots and celery, you might want to name the dish something other than “stew”.

Instead of a store, you can sometimes get the vegetables fresh from your garden seasonally.  Sometimes, you can get your venison there, too.  I’ve never had such luck.

For the benefit of novices, here is an account of how I harvested my venison this season:

Last Thursday morning in a patch of woods isolated in rural South Georgia several miles past where sane people go, a group of deer walked into a small clearing near my stand without making a sound.  The sound of my snoring didn’t seem to bother them. They were so quiet, it’s a wonder I even woke up at all!

They were all standing upright on all fours; not crawling on their bellies like they do down in the Florida Keys.  Had they been crawling, or doing some other kind of Ninja crap, they might’ve gotten by me altogether.

Now, both left handed and right handed hunters know that deer always come out on the side opposite from the easy shot.  It must be some kind of a law.  Being left handed, my rifle points naturally to the right.  The deer, of course, came out on my far left side.  I had been forewarned of that.

The stand belonged to a friend of mine who spends a lot of time in those woods, and knew exactly where the deer were likely to cross the path.  He has studied it.  He has studied many things, and holds more degrees than a thermometer.  After he explained the setting, I knew the deer were gonna come at me from the wrong side, but I didn’t complain: I didn’t want to seem ungrateful to my host.

I’ve observed him, and he seldom uses his left hand for anything unless he has severely injured the right one.  Over the years, he has injured both hands many times due to a sincere love of ladders and carpentry.

Well, the deer were on my wrong side, so I tried to swivel around enough to take aim.  It is fair to say, that kind of flexibility left me years ago.  Risking movement that might spook them, I finally stood up in the stand (which validates the name: “stand”.  Heretofore, I was just sitting on it).  Trying not to curse too loudly or lose balance and fall to my certain death, I stood facing the tree in order to have any kind of a shot at all.

Timing is crucial.  Those of you my age or older will understand that it is at these very moments your body announces it is overdue for a trip to the bathroom.  Only the stalwart and strong of character like me will be able to overcome the squirming and discomfort; others should stay at home.

Well, there were several deer out there, and I knew I didn’t have much time to be selective.  Any moment, they would spot me and disappear just as quickly as they had appeared, or else I would wet myself.  Finally, one of the does politely stepped a quarter turn forward and raised her hand when I yelled out:

“Hey!  Who’s turn is it?”

Since the others didn’t argue, I let her have her turn.  In spite of my well-placed shot, she ran over 300 yards through vines, thicket, bramble, and cat-claw briers covering well traveled deer trails I could barely crawl through, much less go in on a 4-wheeler.  Her path took me deeper into the woods, and further away from the truck as you might have guessed.  The U.S. Marines should study the stamina & tactics of these animals!  Parris Island certainly has the landscape for it.

After a lot of huffing, and grunting, and puffing, I was able to drag her to a more comfortable spot for her autopsy and funeral.  She was no small thing–quite mature and weighed at least as much as I did.  She had the thickest fat I’ve ever seen on a deer–no doubt she’d been in somebody’s corn, soybeans, and/or peanuts–white acorns don’t make you that fat.  If she’d weighed another pound, I think I would’ve just built a fire and eaten her where I found her!

After dragging her the length of a few football fields, I was too winded to give her a long eulogy.  Luckily, my knife was sharp enough, and my host helped me-doing most of the work himself, so it didn’t take too long.  It would’ve been even quicker if I can ever learn to focus more on cutting the deer than cutting my fingers!  My host watched me cut myself, but didn’t protest having no moral ground to stand on in his own history.

Earlier, I made the comparison of distances referencing to football fields.  That calls for the comparison of my hunt to the game of football itself.  The white tailed deer outran me by significant yardage, but the final score during the last game of the season was:

Me  —one; Deer—nothing.

The rest of the season was completely scoreless without highlights, except for me sitting in a tree snoring while deer stacked up yardage but no points.  I suspect it has limited appeal as a spectator sport.  The strategy is to not let your opponents even know you are on the field, then hit ‘em when they are not looking!  Kinda reminds me of politics.