Stinky Cheese On Crackers

Sometimes a wonderfully aromatic cheese will go on sale at a deli or grocery store because it isn’t selling.  It may be an oddball brand, or just a product not called for in your market area.  I found such an item recently.  One of the features of the soft product was the presence of penicillium roqueforti mold as in gorgonzola, stilton, or blue brie cheeses, and wrapped in such a way that your nose could find it long before your eyes could get close enough to read the label.

The expiration dates on the packages were only minutes away, which had contributed to cause the pungency rate to approach a 9.7 on the Richter scale.  In hopes of selling it instead of having to throw it out,  the store had marked it down twice.  Finally, it was selling for about 25% of its original price, thus bringing it into the range of what I call a budget.

I thought to myself:  “I’ll bet this stuff stinks really good,” and I was right.

So, I bought two packages, and went home with the windows of the car rolled down.  When I got home from the store, I let it age in the dairy case of our refrigerator for about 37 minutes.  When I reopened the frig, I noticed that a head of lettuce had wilted, and a bowl of left-over marinara sauce had committed suicide.  I then prepared a small hors d’oeuvres tray with crackers, and put a generous slab of this powerful cheese on each one, and announced:

“Hey!  Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey!  Who wants some stinky cheese on crackers?”

My wife gave me a funny look, and said:

“Stinky cheese?  No, I don’t think so.”

Realizing a bit of the brilliance in my calling it “stinky”, it looked like I’d have all of it to myself.  So for those who didn’t follow the story very well, here’s the recipe you should use in order to minimize how much of it you will have to share:

*  Buy some stinky cheese, and a box of crackers (if you don’t already have a box at home).

*  Put slices of stinky cheese on the crackers.

*  Announce to your guests: “Who’d like some stinky cheese on crackers?”

*  Most people will refuse.  But if they do not do so quickly enough, ask them if they remember ever forgetting to take their sweaty gym clothes home from school to be washed.  Then hold out the tray of appetizers, and say: “Stinky cheese?” This should suffice for arranging that almost all of those delicious crackers with stinky cheese on them will be left just for you.  If you’re really smart, you should also call out to your guests asking:

*  “Hey!  Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey!  Anyone care for a glass of spoiled fruit juice?”

After all, the grapes have to ferment if there’s to be wine, right?  By now, some of your guests will be leaving, and your precious supply of these gourmet delights will be safe, or reasonably so.  I put a small bit of it out to see if the puppies would like it.  Instead of eating it, they just rolled in it.

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15 responses to this post.

  1. Van, you must have been reading my post about the power of laughter! This is hilarious – just my glass of wine!

    Reply

  2. Posted by Betty on July 23, 2012 at 1:38 am

    No, Thank you!!!!

    Reply

  3. HAHAHAH I love it, hand me over some stinky cheese and spoiled fruit dude – I am from Texas nothing scares me 😉 I stare down Rattlesnakes

    Reply

  4. Fantastic! I love stinky cheese on rosemary crackers.

    Reply

  5. Funny, Van.

    You know my airport crotchless suit pants story. I was leaning towards not posting it, but this post has changed my mind. We all need more laughs – and I need to start typing 🙂

    Enjoyed the post!

    Reply

  6. Posted by David on July 23, 2012 at 1:13 pm

    Nice, Van! Reminds me of a book I once read about a family of Esquimaux (Eskimos?) and their love of rotten fish/seal/whale entrails. Yum!

    Reply

  7. I like stinky cheese AND spoiled fruit juice!

    Reply

  8. Posted by Nadeen on July 23, 2012 at 3:55 pm

    I am one that would eat the stinky cheese, so you would have to share with me. Speaking of sharing, thank you for this post. And further speaking of sharing, I hope I get to see Mr. Korisko’s blog on an “airport crotchless suit pants” story. I fly a lot (on airplanes, not drugs) and find his proposed topic intriguing if not scary.

    Reply

  9. Posted by Shaun on July 23, 2012 at 4:04 pm

    Reminds me of a recent trip to the DeKalb International Farmers Market…in the cheese area a young lady was enticing folks with a stinky cheese. You know me Van, I had to sample a bit. It was horribly wonderful. After we arrived home, I couldn’t wait to do exactly what you did…adding some grapes and slices of tubed meat to the dish. The key to eating stinky cheese is to add some marscopone cheese to it…yum! A little goes a long way…if the expiration date allows that is! 🙂

    Reply

  10. Posted by Rhonda on July 23, 2012 at 7:46 pm

    Well, is this blog post to be included in the category of Humor, Recipes, or Behavior and Understanding. i don’t think it falls into the Political, Dog Letters or Quoting Van categories.

    Reply

  11. Posted by Marlene Humberd on July 23, 2012 at 9:30 pm

    LOL, Van ! Have done that trick with cookies before … just mention dried -out granola, gluton free , or some kind of exotic seed ( chia really turns them off ) ,and most people will turn them down . I always leave out the fact that they also have white chocolate, dark chocolate , macadamia nuts , and enough sugar and calories to make The Mormon Tabernacle Choir sing the Halleujah chorus in 10 secs. flat . Will have to add “stinky cheese ” to my recipe file …horse doovers for swahrays . Now ….where’s that blog about “airport crotchless suit pants ” ? Have to keep up with all the new fashion trends … and I’m flyin’ soon . : )

    Reply

  12. What a hilarious yet evil story, Van. Brilliant thinking on how to hoard the entire treats to yourself. I like it! Thanks very much for the witty story. I look forward to many more!

    Reply

  13. I love “stinky” cheese as long as it is not too very stinky HeHeHe!

    Reply

  14. My Dad liked “stinky” cheese aka blue cheese with apple pie. He really reveled in the stuff. I thought it was gross but I did have a taste occasionally. I hear Limburger cheese is the “stinkiest” cheese of all. These days I just stick with my Cracker Barrel cheddar cheese.

    Reply

  15. Posted by Kay BeaR on August 13, 2012 at 4:26 pm

    Good one, Mr. Van… and another you can use, if you are so disposed… when serving guacamole dip just mention the fact that it looks like it came out of the wrong end of a baby. I have friends who have now sworn off the stuff due to that comment.

    Reply

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