Weather Boosts Sales of Bread and Milk

Got colder.  Some places folks were warned it might snow.  In some regions of the country, it snowed a lot.  But here in the deep South, the few places that saw any snow at all was a scarce dusting that a mouse could walk through without boots.

Not saying it didn’t get a bit frigid.  It did.  The other morning, I saw two dawgs out in the front yard with jumper cables trying to get a rabbit started so they’d have sump’m to chase.  Today, it never got above freezing.  In fact, if the thermometer dropped any more degrees, I reckon I’d have to turn in my diploma.

When it gets like this, Somebody on the television makes comment about it and throws out the possibility that any precipitation that might occur could form ice crystals–in other words, snow.  Then, folks panic.  They rush to the store to buy milk, and bread, and little else if anything at all.  Did see a few folks buying candles and flashlight batteries.  But that makes sense, so it isn’t a widespread custom.

Under such circumstances, stores have trouble keeping milk and bread in stock, which is a happy time for the bread and milk venders.  On the other hand, the BBQ sauce salesman can take the rest of the week off.

I asked a man rushing into a grocers what he was in such a hurry to buy.  He said bread and milk.  When I asked why, he looked at me as if I was an idiot, and blurted out:

“Haven’t you been listening to the news?  It could snow!”

I didn’t bother him to suggest he might get some eggs, and maybe a bag of potato chips.  Chances are those suggestions could’ve overwhelmed the man.  After all, anybody over the age of five knows quite well the rules say you’re supposed to buy milk and bread if there’s any chance of snow flurries.  I guess if there is a threat of a volcano, you’re supposed to buy marshmallows?  I don’t know.

Everybody buys milk and bread, and none of them show any embarrassment about it.  When you consider the consequences of not stocking up on milk and bread, knowing such irresponsibility will eventually be found out, it’s best to go ahead and gather up all the bread and milk you can pay for.  Over time, even your on mother could find out if you didn’t, and hearing of a negligence of that order could break her heart.  After all, she raised you better’n that, didn’t she?

Nobody ever screams:

“Toilet paper!  Oh, my God, it’s gonna snow, so we’d better stock up on toilet paper!  And Books!  When does the library close?”

Equally true is that there’s no run on bananas, yogurt, canned vegetables, luncheon meats, aluminum foil, or fabric softener during this time, either.  Salt sales perk up, but not enough to effect the stock market.

I’ve studied on this.  Seems when it snows, or even might snow, folks develop a craving for milk sammiches.  So as to be of good service to the community, I offer the following recipe:

*  Get two slices of bread.  Doesn’t matter if you use king thin, whole wheat, rye, or pumpernickel, you’re about to eat a soggy sammich.

*  Scoop out a tablespoon of milk for each slice, and spread it evenly all over the surface of the bread.  If you’re really hungry, use heaping tablespoons of milk, or add an additional slice of bread, and call it a club sammich.

*  For dessert, add a little chocolate to the milk, if you have any.  But if you don’t, let it go.  Don’t go back to the store in this weather, unless you think theres a possibility they could’ve restocked bread and milk since you were there.  In that case you are obliged to go for it.

*  For variety, toast the bread.  It will still be a soggy sammich, but crisper.  Milktoast is not considered a macho food, but you don’t have to tell anybody if you don’t want to.  Your reputation is preserved just by everyone knowing you had sense enough to buy the bread and milk.

Wondering what to drink with your soggy milk sammich?  Well, considering your supply of beverages hoarded away during this emergency, pour yourself a tall glass of milk.  Not only is it all you have, it’s a tradishum.  Best I can tell, during this season that is what is to be expected.

Do not question these things.  Just go to the store, and buy your bread and milk.  If you’re successful and get there before the crowds, go home and feel smug about your accomplishment.  Later, as a reward to yourself and a nice gesture to the rest of the family, fix up a nice plateful of soggy, soaky, drippy, slurpy milk sammiches.  Then look for the signs of gratitude gushing forth from everyone else in the house who realizes if it weren’t for your forethought, they might be reduced to eating steak, potatoes, pretzels, beer, or even pie.

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One response to this post.

  1. The weather in New York has been horrible. Even though this is the North east and it snows every year people still rush to the store for bread and milk! Two things I almost never buy. Too much bread will drive up my sugar numbers and as for milk I’m lactose intolerant so I quit drinking milk and eating ice cream years ago.

    However kids will enjoy your milk sammich recipes.

    On the serious side now that I have a daily battle with arthritis I have not been able to go to work for several days because when the temps drop below minus anything my back, knees and legs just give out. Climbing steps has now become akin to scaling Mt. Everest. I know younger people are cursing me as I attempt to get up and down the subway steps. Stuff that drops on the floor. Well many times it’ll just stay there. Coins under 25 cents will go into somebody else’s piggy bank. Tuesday the doctor wrapped my knees with bandages and gave me a couple of pain pills which did no good. Right now I look like the Black Bride of Frankenstein and the Mummy combined. My cats have come in handy as great heating elements. They are on me like two furry sentinels. They are glad for a nice warm home and Mommy. The City of New York has warned people to bring their pets inside and mounted a concentrated effort to get the homeless into shelters.

    It is frigid, icy, brutal, windy cold here not fit for man nor beast. As I get closer to that magic age of 60 (I have a Birthday on Feb. 27th) even though I’m still in my 50s, I’m planning to move to a warmer climate for the sake of my suffering joints. I’m thinking Texas or Arizona.

    Reply

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