Earthquakermole

Even though the word “earth” appears in the name, don’t put any dirt in this product, even though it might improve the taste if you did.

Peel, and chop up two or three avocados.  Most cooks recommend you remove the seeds.  They are huge.  You’ll have no trouble identifying them.

Mash the avocados as you would mash potatoes.  You will not need to use any potatoes here except as an example of what you are trying to visualize.

Chop up an onion.  Again, you should peel it, but don’t waste time looking for the seeds.

Chop finely one large, or two small cloves of garlic.  Do not get confused by the word “clove”, as that particular spice will not be needed for this recipe.  But if you accidentally drop in a few cloves, it really won’t make that much difference to any but the more erudite epicureans in your dinner party.

Chop up one huge ripe tomato, or two average ones, skin, seeds, and all.  If using a knife, try not to cut yourself.  But if you must, do so only while chopping the tomato, as you will be sure to get caught otherwise.

Chop up a nice double handful of fresh cilantro.  If you don’t have any, use parsley.  In emergency situations, you can use collards, or turnip greens, but do so sparingly–half a handful will do just fine, but don’t tell the guests.

Chop up approximately one and a half tablespoons of each of the following:

Habanero Chili peppers;

Cayenne peppers,

Jalepeno peppers,

Hungarian Wax peppers,

Tabasco Chili peppers,

Trinidad Scorpion Chili peppers,

Bhut Jolokia Chili peppers,

Satanic Viper Chili peppers.

Do NOT touch these with your bare hands!  I strongly recommend you wear a diver’s suit complete with helmet.  Do NOT breathe any unfiltered air in the room where the chopping takes place.

If you’d like, boil an egg.  But it will not be needed in this recipe.  Some folks just like to boil an egg or two while they’re in the kitchen to use for something else later.

Prepare a pot of oatmeal.  This recipe calls for “Quaker” brand oatmeal simply because the word “quaker” appears in the name.  Some folks prefer groats, or steel cut oats, but please understand there is nothing about this recipe intending to produce a nutritional dish.  This is just a conversation piece for the table, and at best, might bring some life back into that old bag of stale nacho chips hiding in some corner of your pantry.

Mix all ingredients together in a mixing bowl or bucket, depending on which you have available that is clean at the time.  You can use a mixer, or a spoon or a fork for that matter.  I don’t care.

You can even use your hands, but wear protective gloves, because some of the peppers called for in this recipe could dissolve your fingernails, or at least eat the polish off them.  This is not an acceptable substitute for a manicure.

When it is mixed to a consistency of goop, place the earthquakermole in the refrigerator for a couple of hours before serving.  It’s a good idea to put a lid on it so that the aroma doesn’t spread to everything you have in the crisper.

If you or your guests actually eat this stuff, make sure toilets are available, and not too far away.  The effects of ingestion are likely to cause some indigestion, and perhaps more than a little internal violence.  Some have been known to convulse and shake ferociously, hence why the the dish is so named.

This recipe is good for an almost unlimited number of guests, because nobody will ever eat more than a taste of it.  Those that do will emphatically tell others to leave it alone.

Make sure to have a large quantity of inexpensive beverages (water) available, and positioned throughout the entire serving area.  A couple of CO2 fire extinguishers might come in handy.

Your guests may not be able to say “water”, but they will make wild hand gestures pointing at their mouths in such a way to let you know that is what they desperately need.

If they start running towards the sink with their heads down, and their arms flailing wildly behind their torsos, do not get in the way.

There will be leftovers.  There really is no known limit to the number of times you can freeze this stuff, and re-serve it.  Common sense should tell you not to serve it to small children, or to anyone suffering from Tourette Syndrome.

Avoid feeding this to any household pets unless you have pet monitor lizards.  Even so, do not feed it to them in the house.

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7 responses to this post.

  1. Posted by little d on March 7, 2012 at 3:01 am

    Great Recipe VT, I noticed a couple of things that you may want to add to this recipe that should help those involved…

    1)- the overall quality, or magnitude of this dish is measured by a common household item known as a Sphinkter Scale. Unlike it cousin used to measure Earthquakes, the Sphinkter Scale measurements represents those who did actually swallow. For example, a good brew might only score a 4.2, when a lessor brew might allow for a 7.3, these scores have been typical for a party of 30 upright Americans.

    2)- Understanding that there will be those who will give the brew a
    Sphinkter Score, it should be noted that these brave souls and the area destinated for their immediate use afterward will need to be adjusted for said use.( a short section of water hose fitted upon a sink faucet and left running into commode and/or a ABC fire extinguisher with pin pulled prior to use.

    little d

    Reply

  2. Posted by Russ Moore on March 7, 2012 at 2:31 pm

    I made this but had to call HAZMAT to clean up.

    Reply

  3. Gives new meaning to revenge is a dish best served cold as this is something I’d only serve to my enemies. I’d throw in the Scotch Bonnet peppers and curry my friends from the Caribbean place in their food. Actually if you have a bad cold eat some Jamaican Jerk Chicken and all your nasal passages will be instantly cleared out.

    Reply

  4. Posted by Robin Leonard on March 13, 2012 at 9:30 pm

    I think I’ll make this for the faculty retreat in August….liven things up a bit. Thanks!

    Reply

  5. Posted by Robin Leonard on March 13, 2012 at 9:32 pm

    It’s actually only 5:30 pm EDT where I am. Guess this website is not time-zone sensitive. But that don’t make it a bad thing.

    Reply

  6. Posted by Marlene Humberd on March 21, 2012 at 4:40 am

    LOL! Now if I’m out of pan crud , I’ll have a substitute for nail polish remover. Not good on the silver though, it would probably eat it up . Ummm… Wonder if this will eliminate cellulite on your body( as in literally eat it off ) ?!?! Maybe you’re on to something,Van…need a patent… an earthquakermole body wrap ! Elizabeth Arden will be calling …I’m sure . ; ))

    Reply

  7. Posted by Kay Hood on March 26, 2013 at 6:00 am

    LOL! You need to patent this Van. I;m sure it could be used for a colon cleansing preceding a colonoscopy. Could also be sold to remove warts,scabies,bed bugs and probably lice. May also remove the persons hair and partial scalp elimination. A potential cure for acne or all facial skin. The EARTHQUAKEMOLE seems to be a very marketable product.

    Reply

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