The Roar, The Smell, The Feel, and the Flavor of the Greasepaint…

The natural woman is a beauty.  So, is the beautiful woman a natural?  Sometimes she is.  The girl who knows herself to be pretty might let go of the crutches of enhancements once in awhile, or not use them at all.  And the unassuming one without pretentiousness that leaves it alone can be wonderfully alluring, and not even know it.  But the painted woman, exotically so or not, can also be attractive.  When tastefully applied, certain shades and highlights can attract in a fascinating way, even perhaps be temptingly erotic.  Leave it rare or medium-rare, and not overdone.  Remember:  Overdone is not necessarily well done.

In fact, the incorrectly done can look clownish, obviously exaggerated, and even plastic when seen up close.  Some ladies mark and draw all over themselves as if to be seen across an arena from the back of a chorus line, but up close take on an almost ghoulish appearance rather than girlish–untouchable, almost dirty, glaringly advertising that a deception is afoot.  All the obvious accouterment gives it away.  If your mascara has big lumps in it, a man might think you got your face too close to a bucket of roofing tar.  In that case, he might want to hire you to help him work, but not necessarily want to dance with you.

Oh, by the way, don’t overdo the artificial aromas, either.  Teenagers, lacking the experience of years of proper practice, mingle in herds as if they are all trying to out-smell each other assuming it to be of some benefit.  At that age, to be irresistible to a boy is not nearly as difficult as some young ladies presume it to be.  To be sure, a lot of the perfumes and colognes available and sold everywhere from salons, department stores, and even service stations, are rather offensive smelling to men, unless it has motor or gun oil in it.

By saying men might find your store-bought fragrance to be unpleasant, I let a cat out of the bag that might otherwise suffocate.  It’s an amazing truth well hidden behind an avalanche of advertisements.  And the lie sells by the ounce.  The industry does not want you to be aware at all that what you’re buying costs a thousand bucks a gallon.  Most of the time, you’d get better mileage with about twenty-five cents worth of soap and water.  To bathe might be nice, but natural pheromones override fraudulent ones almost every time.

But don’t worry about it.  Once you’ve gotten their attention, they will put up with the odor of it even if you sprayed it on with a fire hose.  If it is a disagreeably odor-some distraction to them at first, be certain men are tough, and will charge full steam ahead as if going into battle given half the chance, or even the hint of any chance at all of a victorious outcome.  A good rule of thumb is the more you pay for a perfume, the less the man will care for it.  But other women will be jealous of you if they get a whiff, which, if you’re being honest with yourself, may be why you have it on in the first place.

I remember a young age when the boys were having to learn how to use their voices as hormones began to erode their ability to sing soprano.  During that time, the girls in my school peer group began to experiment with base makeups, eye shadows, and lipsticks.  It seemed customary to not paint the entire wall, but to abruptly stop at the chin-line so as not to get it on the collars of their blouses.  But I was willing to let them get it on mine, if I’m recalling correctly.  Yes, I was, and a bit curious about the taste of that lip gloss as well.  At that age, the game seemed to be to transfer all the paint from her face to mine, and wear it home almost as if it were a trophy, even though the prize won was only a kiss and the hint of a possible future promise.

One night I came in having spent the absolute best part of the evening in pleasant company.  As soon as I walked in the door, my father said:

“My God, son!  Don’t you carry a handkerchief?  Wipe your face before your mother sees you.  And learn to launder your own shirts from now on so I won’t have to see her cry.  Mercy!”

In theater, makeup is a part of the illusion, sometimes exaggerated to allege youth, or to confess age.  From any proper aesthetic distance, without makeup, the audience might just see washed out and almost shapeless faces in the bright lights, with features of any definition remain unnoticed.  Up close, the illusion doesn’t work.  And once the colors are known to be artificially applied, the illusion is broken, and all who see know that what is in the package is covered by more wrapping than required to make it pretty.  Other than that, it’s just ceremonial war paint, so be mindful of that as you head out the door to do battle.

I began performing as Mark Twain almost forty years ago at this writing, portraying him as a man in his seventies.  Back then, I needed the crutch of lots of makeup to be convincing.  Today I still spend hours in the makeup room, but not to put on much makeup, now.  No, I need the extra time just to fasten the buttons on the vest of the costume, as over the decades it seems to have shrunk tremendously around the waist.

So, to paint or not to paint?  Ladies, that is up to you.  But be ye not deceived about the benefits of it.  Please accept that you do it to declare something you might subconsciously feel necessary to compete with the other girls–not so much to outshine them at attracting the boys, but to declare rank.  If you even for one wild minute presume the boys will not be attracted to you sexually without a thick coat of mud on your face, you will be mistaken.

Want to make sure to be attractive to a man when standing close enough to see each other’s face?  Just make eye contact, and hold that gaze a bit.  And just as you break the stare and look down as if to blush, smile at him.  He will read your direct attention as an inspection, and read your smile as a clear sign of him passing it.  All men are vane in that way.  And if you court that vanity and if he likes you at all (and trust me he does), after that you can then drag him about by the nose if you wish.  You’ll not need to spend a penny at the makeup counter, trust me on this, as well.

One more thing:  Don’t play dumb.  The best thing that conveys, if there is any benefit to it at all is, you might be easily persuaded to make hapless decisions, or even stupid ones.  And if you think that is what the boy is looking for, go out and find another boy.  They’re around.  A new one is born about very twenty seconds–that’s more than four thousand of ’em a day.  Just be careful you’re not the one birthing a disproportionate number of them all by yourself with no one wanting to stay around to help.  But that’s another story entirely, isn’t it?

 

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6 responses to this post.

  1. Posted by Terry on August 28, 2014 at 3:30 pm

    I’m forwarding this to my 16 year old daughters

    Reply

  2. Even as a young woman I was never one for too much make-up. When I was a teenager my mother forbid me from wearing make-up because it would make me too “grown” or scandalous! Not something a good Baptist girl should be. Being a 13 year old my plan to get around this was to take the eye-shadow to school and put it on in the girls bathroom, then reverse the process taking it off before going home. Well one day I forgot. Went home with electric fluorescent blue eye shadow which only made me look like a candidate for Ringling Bros. Barnum & Bailey Circus. Well when I got in the house my mother met me before I could remove my Clown make-up. To say she was upset was an understatement. I believe after yelling at me she went through my bedroom and tossed out any contraband make-up hiding in my dresser or closet.

    I didn’t really experiment too much with make-up for a while. As a young Enlisted woman on my way to the NCO club with my girlfriends I was always the first one ready because I only used some lipstick and that was about it. Even now I stick with a little lip gloss, lipstick and only use eye-shadow if I’m going out to a party or special event. I see no reason to make Revlon, Bobby Brown or Estee Lauder richer than they already are.

    I never tweezed or plucked my eyebrows until my 50s when the onset of menopause means facial hair in places that made me embarrassed thinking I was turning into a guy. Unless you’re in the sideshow mustaches and chin hairs are not a good thing especially if you hope to be attractive to the opposite sex. One of the hot trends now is the fake eyelashes. Not the ones you buy in the store but the ones that need to be individually applied in the salon. Since that involves glue I won’t be doing that ever. I’m lucky in that my own natural eyelashes have a good length and thickness. From time to time I will invest in Mascara to make them appear even longer and thicker. Vanity beckons from the beauty counters.

    Many women are into beauty enhancements, some for fashion, others to fight the aging process. Extensions, hair-weaves, botox, Restalyne, fake nails, boob and butt jobs, etc… I admit that for special occasions I’ve had fancy African braided styles but then I go back to my Afro. When I was in my late 30s into my 40s I sported my Locs and am thinking of Loc’ing my hair again. I get my pedicures on a regular basis but usually just cut my own fingernails. It’s tacky to have raggedy feet and toes while wearing sandals in the summertime.

    As I’ve gotten older most of the men I’ve dated and including my current BF prefer women to be natural. One guy I know calls make-up “War Paint”. Also many men love the natural kink, curl and knaps of Natural hair. Guys really don’t want to run their fingers through your hair in intimate moments and get snagged in hair weave tracks.

    Happy to say that my Mr. Geechie Man is very happy with the natural me. No complaints. I’m happy too.

    Reply

  3. Forgot add the Theme Song
    Alexander O’Neal

    Reply

  4. Van, this is brilliant and how I love the quote from your father!!!! Great advice for women of all ages.

    Reply

  5. Posted by Wayne Casasanta on August 29, 2014 at 7:05 pm

    Van, maybe you and you buddy, “Mark Twain,” can use your influences to have Warning Labels put on bottles of perfume, cologne, toilet water and various “war paint” substances such as, “Anyone under the age of 21 must have Adult supervision (over 40) to monitor the application of this product.”

    I, personally, am VERY attracted to the aroma of a nice fragrance (Beacon grease, not to be confused with bacon grease, although that is also effective, fruit-flavored lip gloss, and most perfumes that do not smell like a mortuary).

    Reply

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