You can use a shoehorn for dishing out the mashed potatoes and cranberry sauce, but a spoon is recommended for gravies, soups and sauces. Do not drink the wine straight from the bottle unless enough straws have been provided for everyone at the table.
Paper plates, wooden salad bowls, and Tupperware are not recommended for the stove top or the oven. At the risk of having to call the fire department, those of you who will not give in to my wisdom are hereby free to conduct your own experiments.
Ceramic, Pyrex, and cast-iron can often be used in the oven or on the top burners. Stainless steel pots and pans with plastic handles should not be used in an oven unless you want your food to smell funny.
Although socially accepted at some outdoor events, plastic spoons, forks and knives seldom offer any utilitarian advantage over fingers. Neither should be used for extracting anything from hot grease, or from rotisseries over an open flame. Traditional blacksmith tools are much better for such tasks.
Avoid drinking soups and other liquids directly from the containers they were cooked in unless adequate cooling time has been allowed, even when wearing gloves. Awkward expletives might cause the usually pleasant slurping sounds to be undesirably altered.
Dawgs ‘n cats are often willing to help with this process: simply place the soiled items (except the Teflon coated ones) within their reach. This will do nicely to reduce the expensive use of scouring pads and harsh chemicals.
The next phase should involve the kitchen sink (or the shower stall if you don’t have a sink–the handle of a skillet serves nicely as a fake microphone if you like to sing in the shower). Several commercially available products do well to make the hot water foam up giving the appearance that you are cleaning something.
Use the kinds that are gentle on your hands–the price premium is negligible when compared to the cost of going to the emergency room. Caution: just because it foams, do not presume it is a good soap or detergent. For example, scooping the head from a tankard of ale will not improve the final finish of fine glassware and crystal.
Many modern homes are equipped with a dishwasher. This appliance resulted from the collective research at several laboratories found in The Department of Redundancy Department at some of our finer universities. Always hand-wash all utensils; pots, pans, dishes and silverware BEFORE placing them in the dishwasher. If you fail to do this, you will face that task as soon as the dish washer completes its final cycle.
Not all paper plates are dishwasher safe. But even if they are, care should be taken to let them completely dry before removal. The integrity of their shape should be addressed while they are still wet. Paper napkins do not hold up well in the dishwasher.
Sammich bags are inexpensive, and you should consider replacing them after every third or fourth washing: paper towels after two.
Every efficient home economist knows that you can always throw in a double-handful of socks and underwear before turning on the dishwasher in order to save time and money on laundry day.
Always unplug electric skillets before placing them in the dishwasher.
Thawing out a turkey in the dishwasher is not recommended.
Please keep all of these things in mind when dining out without your billfold. You would not want the other employees and under-funded customers in the dish-room to think you uncouth.