Fried Cheerios

This is a Winter-time meal for the hard-working guy whose wife has gone out of town to visit with your grandchild.  First, you should drink a cold beer and think about it.  Remember, it is winter, so put on a cap and a jacket;  gloves optional.  If it is extremely chilly, bypass the cold beer and go straight for the red wine, or the whiskey.  Either will be fine at room temperature if you use enough of it.

If you are out of whiskey and wine, ask the Lord to forgive you, and substitute vodka, gin or rum.  No sense in trying to eat your own cooking sober.

Locate the stove and a skillet as both will be needed for frying the Cheerios.  Put a big ol’ chunk of butter in the skillet.  Since “big ol’ chunk” varies in size from one kitchen to another, it is quite acceptable to add one more tablespoon of butter if you don’t think it looks right.

Melt the butter by letting the skillet sit on the stove for awhile.  It’ll melt faster if you can turn on the stove.  If you can’t get one of the eyes to burn, use the oven.

Do NOT put a cast iron skillet in the microwave.  Save that appliance for the popcorn, which will be for dessert.  Don’t forget the sugar.

Let the butter melt ’til its dark brown.  If it is black, don’t panic: you’ll just have to stir faster.

Pour in the Cheerios right out of the box into the skillet so as not to overflow onto the stove top (a Cheerio fire is a dangerous thing as they can roll out all over the place).  If there is room, add another tablespoon or two of butter to make it taste gooder.

Stir (using a spoon or sump’n that won’t melt…soft, plastic spatulas are stupid and were invented by the Devil) so the Cheerios will burn evenly.  If you are extremely hungry, use a bigger skillet: no sense in messing up everything in the kitchen to fix supper for just one guy.

When the Cheerios have turned to that delicious looking dark brown color, move the skillet to one of the stove eyes that ain’t “on”.  That way, you can take your time turning off the hot one, and have time to fix yourself another drink (if you don’t have any beer or whiskey, either a red, white or even a rose’ wine goes well with fried Cheerios–Tequila goes better with fried corn flakes; use Sake when frying Rice Crispies, and schnapps with barley cereals).

Always try to remove the skillet from heat before the smoke alarm goes off, especially if your system is monitored by the local fire department: firemen love fried Cheerios, and will show up slobberin’ all over themselves when they find out what you’re cookin’.  They’ll go ballistic if its fried corn flakes.

When it’s done, pour the fried Cheerios onto a big ol’ plate.  If you can’t find a clean big ol’ plate, use a dirty one, or a big ol’ bowl (ain’t nobody lookin’).

Adding the right sauce is critical to a well-balanced meal, so I recommend pouring on a liberal amount of honey, molasses,  or pancake syrup, and a dash of Tabasco.

Look in the refrigerator for a piece of meat (any kind will do: a piece of chicken, sausage, pork chop, venison loin, or steak if it’s already cooked) to add as a garnishment.  Vegetarians can go for a glob of leftover beans (Refrejoles are preferred with the fried corn flakes: jalapenos optional).

While eating, it is important to hold the plate right up under your chin.  This minimizes the need of a bib, and it will keep the dawgs from taking it away from you.

You will not need to fry the Cheerios in the summertime: just add milk or eggnog if it isn’t too old.  Or, just eat ’em dry right out of the box if you have enough beer.

9 responses to this post.

  1. Brilliant! I just nominated you for a James Beard Award for culinary innovation.


  2. Ideal for single guys, or married ones left alone for too long.
    Reads real good and prolly tastes real good two.
    Pip, Pip, Cheerio, mate!


  3. Posted by Courtney on March 1, 2010 at 3:21 am

    This recipe shall go down in history as one of the greatest culinary revelations of our time. I’m still partial to sammiches though 😉


  4. Posted by Betty on March 1, 2010 at 2:46 pm

    Smokie says, Please!


  5. Posted by Rhonda on March 1, 2010 at 2:52 pm

    Dear Betty Van Crocker,

    It is wonderful to see that your culinary creativity did not end when you left Park Hills. I remember those applie pies. Ah, such talented taste buds. And – I’m certain you ate those fried cheerio delights with a SPOON. (The above is written in sibling code.)


  6. Posted by Mack Amick on March 1, 2010 at 6:14 pm

    This is totally disguting and completely irrelevant. I’ll try some tonight. And by the way, just for the record, red wine is my first choice, served at 61 deg.(F)- NOT room temp. How breathtakingly uncivilized you have become. It’s sad.


  7. Posted by Bonnie Stewart on March 1, 2010 at 8:26 pm

    Did you make this in Park Hills for real? Is that when Rhonda started saying she wanted a sssnnaack?”


  8. Posted by little d on March 2, 2010 at 12:23 am

    Smeario’s… all time favorite Hermit treat !!!
    “All we have to fear, is beer itself ”


  9. Posted by Marlene Humberd on June 14, 2012 at 12:47 am

    Van , Glad it’s summertime when I’m areadin’ this …believe I’ll have it straight outta the box with a cold Baileys chaser . Rest assured , however ,that I will file this away for future gatherin’s under horses doovers -winter swahreys… ; )


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