A Dawg Letter Glossary (under constuction)

Academic: The outbreak of contagious learning; An attitude of superiority presumed for having lived through being infected by the outbreak.

Affordability: The state of any of a number of features found in a Ford product that enables the vehicle to do something considered beneficial.

Benefit: The quality of a garment that allows you to bend over without breaking buttons, seams or internal organs.

Benign: What an eight-year old will be on his next birthday (not original).

Catalyst: Behaving as do, or operating with cattle; (religious–member of  an order or denomination subject to following the bell cow).

Catacomb: A device for removing matted and tangled fur: should only be used while dressed in welding attire.

Catastrophe: An award given in feline competitions for having the most acceptable rear view.

Category: A particular breed of cat; Stories told by cats that may have hidden meanings.

Circumvent: A man uttering or declaring displeasure with the idea of having to go through a certain religious ceremony at his age.

Comforter: An expensive bedspread usually sold with useless accessories.  The selling of it provides great comfort to the retailer.

Commodity: Something commonly considered to be odd; An unusual situation with a certain bathroom fixture, usually porcelain, but not normally used as a tub.  Often referring to a malfunction of the flushing mechanism.

Crabanomics: The study of those things that are essential to the survival of crabs.

Decadence: Ten years of outrageous, or otherwise inappropriate behavior.

Declarations: Often profound or obstinate remarks made from the balcony, or from an elevated porch made of treated lumber.

Decorations: Whenever a declaration becomes long enough to be considered a speech, often full of metaphors and other colorful expressions.

Dogmatic: A clutch-less mechanism that allows a sleeping canine to leap into the air and chase a garbage truck; The attitude of said canines that leads them to believe the garbage is worth having; A mental position of not being able to change gears because there aren’t any.

Framadama-therma-vent pump variable pressure thingy gadget: One of several expensive component parts of a gas home heating system.  It is designed to need replacement frequently, and on very cold days.  Replacing it usually causes other expensive parts to fail as well.

Flamboyance: The brief amount of time a burning match will rest on the surface tension of water before being extinguished; The kinetic state of a boy playing with matches.

Gittin’ Place: Any retail outlet that sells stuff you want (tools, guitars, motorcycles, beer & other fine quenchers, sporting goods, dawg food, tobacco products, and groceries).

Glossary: The work space designated for polishing or shining things.

Hablahabble hablahab: the collective and almost unpronounceable expletives that occur whenever walking face-first into cobwebs or spider webs, or when coming in close contact with dawgs that have been rolling in the remains of some dead animal.

Hosepipe: A rubber or plastic tube, that when it is attached to a water supply, will suffice as a teething device for puppies.

Karmageddon: A premonition that, as luck would have it, your brakes have failed and the bridge is out around the curve ahead, or is fully occupied by a large vehicle rapidly approaching.

Gnatmosphere: Being afraid of a thick cloud of small flying insects.

Generalization: The process of trading in a Toyota, Ford or Chrysler product on a General Motors product without any attention given to detail.

Legal: The French pronunciation of the name of a particularly large bird of prey.

Leavening: Adding one more to the number ten.

Marginal: The minimum amount of spread on the toast that allows it to be called “buttered”; Things that belong to or refer to somebody named “Marge”, or “Margi”.

Microphone: An extremely small telecommunications device; A telephone call made to, or from someone named “Mic”, or “Mike”.

Oxymoron: A large, strong, but clumsy man with a low IQ subject to bull in china shop syndrome; (antonym–Foxymoron: An attractive woman with diminished intellectual talents especially in the area of managing the disparities between her stated goals and her regular patterns of behavior).

Paradigms: Two coins of the same value that together equal twenty cents.

Pesticide:  That side of a personality inclined to be a pest.  For example, her obvious need of being pestered brought out my pesticide.

Possible: The ability to pretend you are asleep though actually wide awake.

Posterior: The rear-end of a possum.

Sagacious: A prehistoric time between the Jurassic and the Tenacious.

Stratusphere: An irrational phobia of a certain Chrysler model; (considered a rational fear when one is heading directly at you at a high rate of speed).

Telegram: A unit of measure used in determining the weight of a phone bill.

Telescope: Announcing the recent use of mouthwash.

Terrified: Subjected to the unwanted affections from any of the terrier breeds; Inescapable companionship with someone named “Terri”, or “Terry”.

Unconditional: The state of hair that will show no benefit from being exposed to certain kinds of softening and managing chemicals.

Wreckquiem: A song bursting forth from the mouth of someone who’s vehicle is about to crash into something; Often a medley of hymns that start out with “Oh God…” followed by a series of rebukes strong enough to acid-etch the windshield.

Zodiac: A demented person born under the sign of Zorro.

One response to this post.

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